Perception
by Madhumalati
Summary: Juubei didn't mind being blind until he forgot things he rather wouldn't. Shounen ai, oneshot, JK.


_**Perception**_

_Things come clear with closed eyes that do not when the mind is dazzled by sight. _

Losing his sight changed everything about Jubei. Things that seemed familiar and ordinary gained significance, and things that seemed shatteringly important became trivial overnight. The journey from one end of a strange room to another became fraught with peril; the recognition of who was on the other end of the phone became easy. Several times, he caught himself moved almost to tears when he listens to a piece of music that he had never paid much attention to, or to the heartbreaking purity of birdsong, or the delicate chime of bells in hair.

His warrior's reflexes aided him greatly. Even before the black needles, before betrayal and heartbreak and confrontation and unexpected redemption, Jubei knew where things were, a sort of radar sense. Kazuki found an old comic with a blind superhero named Daredevil and teased him mercilessly about it. Jubei accepted it, of course, with his customary unsmiling countenance. He endured much for Kazuki's sake, and this was a small sacrifice; the thread user didn't smile nearly as often as he used to before Maze City. Before his family was killed, and two boys found themselves on the run.

He found, within a few months, that he could live quite well, and fight very lethally, even without his eyesight. Those adjustments were easy to make. Soon, the world of colour, shade and hue seemed rather irrelevant.

But one morning he woke, and he couldn't remember Kazuki's face.

It set off a clawing, screeching panic inside him, unreasoning and feral in its agony, forcing a scream from his throat. He was so panicked that he didn't even hear the too-quick discordant clash of bells.

'Jubei?' he heard, and everything fell silent. Eerily silent. 'Jubei!'

Kazuki? It must be.

He reached out a hand, feeling its tremor. Even then, even through all his terror, he was ashamed of it. It was weakness. 'Kazuki,' he whispered hoarsely.

'Jubei? What's wrong?' such a familiar voice. Nobody else said his name like that.

His hand was outstretched, but nothing met it. Whether it was his lack of composure or something more sinister, his radar sense wasn't working. Everything was grey and blank and featureless, like death. 'Kazuki,' he said again, soft and desperate.

And sagged with relief as he touched a warm, smooth hand, covered with calluses from manipulating threads sharp enough to cut through steel. 'Jubei. Are you ill? Did you have a nightmare?'

'I can't remember your face.'

'You can't……' it was Kazuki now, he was sure of it.

'I'm sorry!' Jubei said quickly. Unforgivable, that he should forget Kazuki's face. It was like killing him again. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I–'

'Jubei.' As always, the sound of his name cut him off, spoken like that. 'Why are you apologising?' there was only curiosity in Kazuki's voice. No judgment. You've told me you're finding it harder to remember how things look. It's normal.'

'I can't remember your face,' Jubei said in explanation. '_Yours_.'

From the slight chime, he knew that Kazuki's head was bent slightly. 'So?' and then his hand was lifted, placed on the curve of a cheek, soft and woman-smooth. 'This is my face. Now, why would I be angry?'

'I'm not supposed to forget! I'm supposed to protect you, and I can't even remember your face.' And his fingers clutched that cheek as if it saved him from drowning.

'Again with the protection thing.' Impatient, now. 'Jubei, I don't need protecting.'

Of course. A blind man would be completely inadequate as a–

'And not for the reason written all over your face right now, either. God, you have such an inferiority complex.'

He can tell?

Of course he can, he's not blind.

'I don't need protecting because I'm just as dangerous as you are, if not more. We've never fought to the death, thanks to your suicidal tendencies, so we'll never know who the better fighter is, really. You're also my best friend, even if you insist on being annoyingly subservient at times. I haven't thought of you as my inferior. Not once. Why do you?' _you stupid stupid man_, his tone added.

'Because I am,' Jubei began.

'Damn it, Jubei!' It is always serious when Kazuki swears. The cheek his hand was resting on jerked away. 'I am so sick of you being like this!'

Silence. Jubei clearly heard his heart break. Funny how those sounds were louder now his eyes weren't working.

Then two hands were on his shoulders, hard and unforgiving. 'Listen to me, Jubei, just _listen, _for once in your life! I need you by my side. You're one of the few people I can trust to guard my back. You're a heck of a fighter, you're interesting company, and you're my oldest friend. Sure, I handled a lot of the decision-making in Fuuga, but you have to admit you're not exactly a people person; and I always followed your policy when you had a point. Get this clear. You are _not_, you are _not_, you are _not_ my subordinate!' At each _not_, he shook Jubei lightly. 'Stop acting like you are. It's……painful.'

'Of course,' Jubei murmured. The pain had gone now. He was grateful for that. 'Whatever you say.'

'That's not what I want!' Pure frustration in his voice. 'I don't want you to agree just because I asked you to!'

'What _do_ you want!' Jubei roared suddenly. 'I don't know _what_ you want! You tell me to agree, then you don't like it when you do!' He'd never yelled at Kazuki before, never even raised his voice at him. It was strangely freeing. 'You say one thing, then you do another! You tell me you'll always be there, then you leave! You say you'll never come back, and then you do! _Decide_ on something!'

'……Jubei……' Kazuki said, and he sounded fragile suddenly. 'I'm…I didn't mean to…'

Jubei's anger drained away. He brought his hands up to grip Kazuki's arms. The skin there was smooth and hard, with scars too fine to see crisscrossing it – marks of mishaps in his early training with the threads. He had healed so many cuts on Kazuki, hating how they sliced him. 'I didn't mean to shout at you,' he said softly. 'I just……want to……understand.'

A tired laugh. 'You don't? Not yet? Okay. Okay, I'll tell you. Jubei, have you ever done anything without considering my feelings?'

Jubei's brow furrowed. Of course he had…there was that time…no, that other time he… not ever?

'I see not,' Kazuki said wryly. 'I want you to do things because _you _want to, Jubei. Not because you think I'll like it, or I need it. I want you to live for yourself. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't want that for you?'

'Live for myself?' Jubei tasted the words. They sounded new and wrong. 'What was I doing wrong?'

'You weren't being a good friend,' Kazuki said. 'I don't want you to follow me. What's so hard to understand about that? Do something without thinking about me. What I'll think, what I'll say. Just do it because you want to.' There was a teasing tone to his voice. 'You must have some things you've always wanted to do.'

'Something I want to do.'

'Yeah.'

'Without worrying about how you'll react.'

'Yeah.'

'Just because I want to.'

'Precisely.'

It would have been very difficult to do what he did next if he'd had his sight, because then he would have known exactly what Kazuki was thinking instead of having to infer it. But as long as he couldn't see the shocked and horrified expression he just _knew_ Kazuki had, it was very easy to lean forward and kiss him. The downside to being blind was that he didn't judge the distance right, or Kazuki had moved a little, because the kiss landed on the edge of his mouth instead of on it. Jubei didn't have the nerve to correct his mistake; he drew away and closed his eyes doubly tight, as if an eyelid could protect him from what he knew he would be facing.

'Oh,' Kazuki said softly, and one hand left his shoulder. 'Jubei. Oh, Jubei, how long?'

He wasn't being reprimanded. That was the only thought running through his mind. Kazuki didn't sound angry. The ice that edged his anger – even in fury, Kazuki never shouted and blustered and stomped, he was too well-bred for that – was missing. Completely missing.

'I don't know,' Jubei said in a small voice. 'A long time. Since I was twelve, at least.'

'You never told me,' Kazuki said, and he sounded vaguely miffed.

'I thought you knew.' He sighed. 'Everyone else does. Why do you think Toshiki hated me so much?'

'I didn't think about it. Jubei, God, I'm so sorry. All these years……'

'It wasn't your fault,' he said sharply. 'You didn't know.' Defending Kazuki against Kazuki. He'd done it so many times over the years.

'Why me?' Kazuki said quietly.

'Why you?' Jubei said incredulously. 'Kazuki!' Already, he could feel the walls dropping back down, the mysterious power that had fuelled him so far falling away. All the words he couldn't say went with it.

_Grace and beauty and power and the way your hair moves in the wind, so lovely, your hands, almost a privilege to die by them, Kazuki, so beautiful, so beautiful, wanted you for so long, so long, can't have you, can't touch you, smooth voice, unfailing humour, god you even make me want to laugh sometimes, just laugh because you're there, with me, even if you're not _with_ me, it's insane, how you make me feel, wrong and right all at once, the sound of your laughter, the scent of you, confidence and charisma, want you, can't have you, not worthy……_

'Jubei?'

He jerked.

'Jubei.'

Affection. Friendship. Caring. Laughter. Relief. 'Kazuki?' He strained against the grey, tried to recover the radar sense. It wasn't clearing.

'Jubei,' Kazuki sighed, and suddenly there was warmth against him, and soft hair against his cheek, and the smell and feel of Kazuki, and the soft choked half-laugh half-sobs he was making into Jubei's chest. 'Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you just _tell_ me? All this time I thought you weren't interested, all this time, you stupid jerk, so much time I wasted, why didn't you tell me?'

'I thought you weren't interested,' Jubei said numbly. His hands were frozen by his sides, caught by some giant invisible force.

'I know. We both seem to have made the same mistake.'

'Kazuki?'

'Shhh,' Kazuki said, and Jubei felt a tender finger placed over his mouth. Even if he couldn't see what Kazuki looked like he could use every other sense, and it was enough. And then there were soft lips against his, which made any further questions Jubei might have asked both irrelevant and impossible to voice

Not that he minded.

The questions, he decided, could wait.

A/N: thus begins my GB fanfiction. Please review.


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